Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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