that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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