apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
