he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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