Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
