just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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