I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
