You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You made out with two different species that night
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
