If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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