Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
