It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
