i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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