Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
