i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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