wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
