So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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