come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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