Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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