Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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