so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
