I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
