Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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