It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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