The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can you bring me the toilet please
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
