I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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