Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
