why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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