I looked at my own cervix.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
