He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
