Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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