I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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