My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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