I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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