my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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