If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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