Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
