i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
