She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
