is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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