my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
