hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
