There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
