you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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