On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
