Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
soo... how was my night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
