Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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