so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
