I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
