umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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