i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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