im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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