I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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